The Hammacher Schlemmer Chronicles

Finally! The wait is over! My new Hammacher Schlemmer catalog (a.k.a. gadget porn) has arrived in the mail!!! Let's start with this month's cover model, The Tranquility Pod.


THE TRANQUILITY POD

I. Want. One. Now. Eat your heart out, Dalai Lama! For a mere $30,000, you too can own this life-sized replica of Mork's spaceship. It's not just your average waterbed. Kick-ass sound system? Check. Mood lighting? Check. Biofeedback system? I have no idea what that is, but I want it. And the lights change color too? Cut it out Hammacher Schlemmer – you had me at hello.

THE IPHONE CONTROLLED LIGHT BULB

Because The Clapper was just too much damn work.

THE MOST EFFICIENT EPILATOR

Holy crap this thing looks scary. Didn't Steve Buscemi get killed by one of these in Fargo?

THE GENUINE HANDMADE IRISH SHILLELAGH

Makes a great Christmas gift, if you happen to draw Gandalf's name.

THE SPINNING SPAGHETTI FORK

This is why Al Qaeda hates us.

THE BEST TV HEADPHONES
THE VOICE CLARIFYING TV SPEAKER
THE VOICE CLARIFYING AMPLIFIER

Even with this triple-threat of voice clarifying/amplifying wizardry, you still won't be able to understand what anyone is saying while watching season 1 of The Wire.

THE PLANTAR FASCIITIS (fill in the blank)

Did I miss the memo? Has plantar fasciitis dethroned heart disease as the worlds #1 killer? It would appear so, given the 9 different options available in this month's catalog: The Plantar Fasciitis Insoles, The Lady's Plantar Fasciitis Athletic Shoes, The Plantar Fasciitis Orthotic Sandal, The Nighttime Plantar Fasciitis Therapy Brace, The Lady's Plantar Fasciitis Ballet Flats, The Plantar Fasciitis Relieving Foot Sleeve, The Lady's Plantar Fasciitis Wedge, The Gentleman's Plantar Fasciitis Orthotic Walking Shoes, and The Gentleman's Plantar Fasciitis Athletic Shoes.

THE FULL BOTTLE GLASS OF WINE

"Its classic Bordeaux shape fits an entire hand, enabling effortless quaffing without abandoning social mores". Hi, I just put an entire f*cking bottle of wine in one glass but I'm still concerned about abandoning social mores.

THE CPAP PILLOW

The crap pillow? Why would I want a crap pillow? Is it made of crap? It certainly looks like crap. Oh wait, that says CPAP.

THE POWER NAP HEAD PILLOW

I just don't even know what to say.